Friday, June 12, 2009

Megalomaniacal Mediocrity


We think, we aspire, we achieve. We desire, we dream and we do. Unfortunately enough if doers were so much prevalent, Scott Adams would not have the luxury to sketch Dilbert regularly.

And fortunately enough, we all have a fair chance to dream and succeed however incompetent we may have become or be from birth, when the doing part is kept with as much clarity as a puddle of muddy brown water. Here comes a living legend who is most talked about and its not because of his impeccable talent but due to his grandiose achievements. We all fondly call him "Daroga", now he is known as D0(pronounced as 'Deo'). He is a strategic achiever in the field of his own core competency or rather incompetency as a consultant. And above all, his ersatz verve for achieving whatever lies on his way is so laudable that we get a new kind of vivacious energy and it rightly caters to our amour propre with an exclamation.

Truck Loads of Coffee
The story starts with a red little truck with a yellow load, called import button. Perhaps D0's fetish for trucks starts from his childhood, when he had his mind less screwed, along with the same diminutive body. But, he wore the same 'Bermuda Browns' those days too. Whenever, he saw a truck, he tried to figure out whether he would have to buy a ladder or not so as one day he would fulfill his final destination of riding them. Know what, he could not buy a ladder, his father would hammer his head those days, obviously with a hammer because it would cause the least damage at that location. Then with the eternal search of trucks in his mind, he set sail towards the software field. Now, how would he find a truck in a field of computers, all hi-tech as he used to boast about, in front of others! All he could do earlier was to gaze upon a black cobol screen with a few alphabets on it. He took a year and a half to get the coffee out of the coffee dispenser, forget COBOL programing. May be he thought, he needed to learn some esoteric cobol code to get the coffee out, by chanting a mantra-program infront of the dispenser. Anyway he survived seven valiant years without figuring how to get a cup of coffee from the coffee maker. Then came the IT revolution. Every 1.5 people in 2 were getting jobs in software. Deo wanted a change for the first time in his life. So 'Self' as he calls himself, shifted to one of the companies he would never have even dreamt of in those days of trucks & ladders.I bet if the Nazis were there, they would have definitely killed him in their pogrom even if he is not a Jew. I personally feel he is a cross between an alien moon man-an ass-a beetle-an eucalyptus tree-a cactus plant-a pegelite zinovicks* and a plastic bucket.
*They are polyphrite ant suckers according to some research published in scientific journal Dublello Didicles.

Riding with the truck
He felt an incredible amount of elation when he was given his onboarding material in a carry-bag. Of course he had seen a carry-bag, every morning when he went to get vegetables from market. But that was made up from his own discarded bermuda brown and this was made of colored paper and the greatest of all there was a LOGO on the bag! He had no logo on his bermuda browns. He was assigned to lead his first project.

He had mails requiring urgent transports to production box and to his indignation everybody had left. He saw two types of trucks for the first time. One was half empty other full. He thought of his position as a lead and pressed the full one, half one was for lesser mortals like members and all. At least this is what he thought proactively. And then all the changes were transported into production. Next day he came to office unaware of anything with victorious smile on his face. He had burned the candle from both ends, 6 hours straight overtime to oversee the completion of his full-truck button. Once in a while he wondered why he could not have someone like Size-zero or why did the clocks turn round and round! Truck went straight then. He must have thought that it takes overwhelming effort to unload a full truck anyway, and may be after he hit the full truck, a Tata truck went all over to Germany from his office and it was unloaded.

Run Over
The nasty client had escalated with a hefty fine of $100 000. They wanted only one change in production not on the thousands of waiting ones. D0 looked as if he had seen a banshee wailing for his brainless dickhead to be served for supper. What he did next, to save his ass, only three people know in this world. God, Self and Self's Local Gods. May be he had willingly inhaled his Local Gods' farts but let's not jump to conclusions with such a little knowledge of the premises.

Return of D0
With a tinge of vengeance on his face, D0 was back at work. He had been promoted to something manager, the position from where he is likely to cause the least damage to technical work. It not that he is good at managing and bad at technical. It was precisely because still after 8 years of IT experience, he could not achieve puberty in technical know-how. And if its a case, then of lot of scrapping of projects could be in the air if Do was rolled into any of them. One fine day, when stickers were distributed for free, he got his own sticker of a half horse and joyously stuck it on his laptop. He fondly gave the nick name of 'Pegasus' to his laptop. It felt like a warrior within , the horse with wings that he would ride in near future. But most of the times it was the mythical creature that rode him. He tried Yoko height enhancer, but to no avail. He blamed yoko, and explained to his wife that he would have sued the organization, if he had time.Then came his first thanks award. He was incredulous at first, but gradually he gave in to his clairvoyance. The very thought that he can stay in a industry gives me jitters, yet a subtle confidence exists that if he can, then probably any ass could do it.


Epilogue
Do would love to do an La Shiney anytime, but the only problem is that he spends more than sixteen excruciating hours at the screen, trying to figure out what the role of a team lead is. He is strangled between half trucks, full trucks and bermuda browns. Still, IB-Confidential (you could as well call him 'Jackass') promotes his talent, may be rather the lack of it. All his work involves carrying papers from one conference room to another, with Godspeed hurry but with an insane lack of purpose. The legend will continue to live on till he is ousted by a more incompetent successor. We will address his successor as D1 once he arrives. He once aspired to go for the NBA championship , so he decided to start playing basket ball from the office side. Alas! the participation paper was posted a bit high and he could not reach it to sign it, even when he tried 16 times that day. I guess he washes his yellow full-sleeves at least once in his lifetime. It will be a welcome full moon for him then. Yet megalomania exists and so does mediocrity.

4 comments:

  1. The Mute ExpectatorJune 16, 2009 at 7:43 PM

    Blog about The "Deo" with his "Pegasus" in "Bermuda Browns" is such a essential step by writer that it will be a source of encouragement for decades and who know for centuries for those parents with “special childs”, I am alone in my friend circle who is not much moved away by the movie “Taare Zameen Par” but having something happening live in front of you, this story is having much more effect on me. The way writer has described the childhood of the Legend it keeps you wondering in enigmatic etherical space.
    Can you imagine the same child working in a Machine which does International Business, is more than dream come true for the boy who born after that era which was free of the Masters of destines, those masters left the land just few days earlier the kid was about to arrive for their service. Life became bliss for him when not only he got a chance to control the famous lorry, but time to time he started getting direct instructions from his Masters for whom he was born.
    I am not able to decide whether we should call it epic or chronicle but one thing for sure, we have got many new terms devised in honor of Deo. The moment people heard the famous mail describing “Self” and “Self’s plannings”. The word “Self” became undifferentially an integral part of day to day life for common cravers.

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  2. Deo is one person, I would like to work with... a person so confused with the Trucks will be fun... being a Mechnical Engineer by education, I too would hesitate to ride a truck... hats-off to the presenter, who brought this Bermuda Genius to light...

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  3. This is seriously a highlighting event in the history. :). Behind the humor there is a hidden message which I guess ppl like us understand. Guess the Self and the Self's local Gods will have to understand that they are promoting nothing better than a Dumb ass.In wait of D1...

    The successor.

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  4. Newton, Tesla, Edison, Einstein, as well as our indigenous Indian Greats had discovered and invented most of the wonders of the scientific world, asking and answering the question "Why?". This Truckathon narrative shows how one can spoil himself with too many questions and no answers. The biggest problem is that his questions come before he can think and always as incongruous as his mind, or at other times less than what he can ask people. This is the only luck we have, expecting his ambitions can be out-defeated by the stunted growth of his mental inabilities.

    Cheers! Rocking piece!

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